I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
