Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
