Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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