the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
he thought i was a dude.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
