The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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