Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
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how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
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On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.