He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
