It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
