His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I have aggressive nipples.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
