11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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