Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
