I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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