TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
