Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize