i barfeds in our rink
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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