All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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