Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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