hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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