All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
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this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
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I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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