Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
