Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
