Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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