I think i sorta joined a cult last night
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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