He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
