wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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