It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
be right there i have to get my cape
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Randomize
