Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
