So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
