I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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