He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
