her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
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the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
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YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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