I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
