i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
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right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
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Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
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