It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Just puked most of my soul out..
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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