My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She told me I should be a condom model.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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