Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
