dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
