please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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