Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
