so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
