I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
