dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
