the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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