I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
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I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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