I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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