My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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