Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
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I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
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He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
That accounts for only three of the penises
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
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