i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Ladies don't puke and tell
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.