3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.