R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
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I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
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I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin