I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
