You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
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