Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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