if only i could text you this smell
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
