He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
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JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
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You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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