I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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