we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
